This week’s video was in works with Melody Maia, a Transgender YouTuber who shares content on everything you want to know but are too afraid to ask. In the spirit of just that, today we’re talking about my decisions on bottom surgery, Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT), and much more.

In our collaboration, we also talk about Maia’s experiences with Sexual Reassignment Surgery (SRS) and go over topics I’ve never talked about before over on my channel, so make sure to discover more here.

How We Met

Casey: We are currently at VidCon 2019 in LA. We both happened to be at the LGBTQIA+ networking session VidCon put on for creators and ran into each other there. I actually approached you because of the trans t-shirt you were wearing and gave you a business card. And in return, you talked my ear off.

Maia: Guilty as charged, I might have talked your ear off for an hour and a half. If you approach me in public, always be prepared to talk for an hour or more. I’m so happy I actually wore my trans t-shirt and it happened to work for something useful, other than getting hit on at Carl’s Jr. by a creepy guy that night.

“The Surgery”

Maia: So you’re a transgender woman who’s not had surgery, is not on hormone therapy currently and you have no interest in having the surgery. Those 3 things are a combination that no other guest on my channel has had before. It is an interesting mix – but goes to show that everyone’s transition needs/wants are different.

Casey: Yes, exactly. I am what I would consider non-op – at the end of the day, all I know is how I feel about the current. I’m happy with where I am in my transition and don’t feel the need to undergo additional HRT or bottom surgery. So I’ve stopped HRT, that being said I believe that if future Casey changes her mind (whether that be two years or 10 years down the line) she will get what she wants. I am completely open to that possibility but as of now, it’s not where I see myself heading.

Estrogen Patches

Maia: You mentioned you’re not on hormone therapy now, but from what I understand you were at one point, correct?

Casey: Yes, I was on HRT for about a year. I started back during my senior year of high school, a.k.a. the year I jumped all in.

I started towards my medical transition by first seeking out a therapist who had worked with one of my friends that has undergone SRS. Within a few sessions, she referred me to an endocrinologist who I started to work with immediately. He was actually a Pediatric Endocrinologist that had previously worked with other transgender patients. Although I was 18 at the time he made a special exception for seeing me, which should have been the first red flag.

After discussing my prior medical experiences with kidney stones, we opted out of placing me on an oral treatment in fear of causing additional issues. He suggested estrogen patches, which is a very unique decision, considering most people I know go with pills or injectables.

After a week I started to develop rashes on my body where these patches would go, similar to what eczema looks like. On top of that, the adhesive created all this build-up of sticky stuff on my body that was hard to scrub off.

T-Blockers

Casey: Another unique choice was my testosterone blocker. Instead of going on a pill, I was given a surgically implanted blocker (similar to what some women get for birth control) placed on the inside of my left bicep. Due to this being a surgically implanted device, there was a slight delay in getting me onto t-blockers. This left me momentarily only on estrogen. This left my testosterone at standard levels while the estrogen attempted to occupy space as well. My hormones were in a battle against themselves like cats and dogs. Making me extremely tired to the point of sleeping for up to 15 hours a day. It was what I would call a fight for the throne.

A few weeks after starting the blocker I noticed an extreme suppression of appetite. I would literally never get hungry. HRT caused me to forget to eat, something I had never experienced before. Maybe another red flag?

Orgasms

Casey: I also had a very unique experience with my significant other (male), back when I was early on HRT we had our first in-person meeting. We both desired to engage in sexual activity because we had not experienced that before with one another. My significant other is a young man and interestingly enough he was my boyfriend before transitioning, we’ve been together for that long! He had only been with cis-gender women and does not identify as a gay man. He now most closely identifies himself as pansexual with a preference of more feminine individuals, like myself. Throughout all of this he has been very loving and accepting with all of the ups and downs life has brought me and therefore us. Back to the bedroom, I wasn’t having problems with arousal but with the completion portion of it. Yet another red flag.

Maia: It’s ok you can say orgasm on my channel…

Casey: Yes, that. Haha. I ended up feeling like I wasn’t giving him what he wanted. It put me through an emotional state of “am I enough”. Which added to the already existing internal frustration of me not being able to give him a biological child. He’s a family guy and I know that he will want to start a family rather soon.

Internalized Guilt

Maia: Wow, there’s a lot going on here. We’re talking about guilt over not being able to orgasm and how that makes him feel. Guilt over the fact that you would not be able to bare his child. All of this while your hormones are raging because your testosterone and estrogen levels weren’t where they should have been.

Casey: Right, the original reason I pressured myself to get onto hormones was this need to prove to the world and myself that I was ready to transition. It wasn’t until that point I felt worthy of requesting others to identify me as she/her. Prior to hormones, I wasn’t unhappy with my lack of fat, facial structure, or genitalia. I was overall okay with what I had. So after experiencing some dysfunctioning parts, hormone replacement therapy terrified me.

Sex Drive

Casey: The last thing I needed as a young individual (in my 20’s) was for me not to be able to enjoy sexual interactions. Especially when what I had was enjoyable for me and my significant other. Me not fully functioning was causing more tension in the bedroom. The idea was, getting off of hormones I could possibly restore some of that sexual arousal.

Maia: Wow! Sounds like you partly got on estrogen to be seen validly female. Transgender people come in all different flavors. We are not all one kind of “Binary”, one kind of “all the parts”. You are gender expressing as a woman which is all that it took for you to resolve the dysphoria that you did have.

Casey: Exactly! Putting on that dress and makeup to present as female was the icing on the cake I needed.

Maia: You can do these things and, I’m going to guess, you’re usually seen as a cisgender woman.

Casey: Yes, most of the time I am viewed as female, that is until my voice comes into play. That’s when I start getting the questioning looks from strangers. Unfortunately, even if I decided to continue HRT, this is something estrogen wouldn’t even be able to change.

Maia: My only experience that was similar to what you experienced was when I went on Zoloft for a little bit of time. I noticed that I wasn’t able to orgasm at all. I had to get off Zoloft, as it was driving me nuts. Not being able to have pleasurable sex was just not acceptable for me.

Casey: In my experience, even with just estrogen, it might have just been fear. If I rode the HRT wave I might have gotten to a balanced point where I could orgasm. So I asked myself, “am I ok with change?” and everytime I would think, absolutely. These stacked up fears outweighed the pros. So I cut out HRT. Which I believe was the best choice for me, of course knowing I could start again after a year.

The Doctors “Professional” Opinion

Casey: When I told my doctor that I wanted to get off hormones, I made sure my father was in the room to help back me. His response was, “you’re going to regret this.” which came to me as a complete shock and was my final red flag. This is my body and my decision. I also felt pressured by several trans friends, one of which keeps saying “everything is going to change when you get to your 30s. You’ll have wanted to do hormones before you’re 25.”. Even if this were to be the case, I’d hope they would respect my decision for myself.

Maia: You’re not really going to change much from what you are right here.

Casey: I actually have noticed my rib cage is growing a little bit. The barrel partition of my chest has made certain dresses no longer fit. They say individuals with primarily testosterone continue to grow until around the age of 25. I am still a couple of years from there, but I feel like I am pretty stable where I am at. Nothing supper unexpected will develop from here.

Peer Pressure to Start Hormones

Casey: One of the reasons why I haven’t talked about my decision to halt on HRT is due to multiple trans friends making the distinction that HRT is necessary to be trans. I haven’t desired talking about this, especially in an online format, because of that pressure to be on HRT to be seen as a trans woman. The last thing I want is for my community to come back and attack me.

Maia: I think that these friends are pushing you in the direction of HRT for their own validation since that is a large part of the trans process for them. Any variation of “oh you’re on hormones, now you need X surgery” is always met with skepticism. Not only outside of the community, but inside the community as well.

Casey: Both of the individuals who’ve installed this thinking to me are of an older age range and both might have wished they would have gone through those changes when they were younger. So, I think this might just be them projecting their regrets from my age onto me.

Maia: You present as a woman. You express as a woman. You think of yourself as a woman. Then you are a woman.

Casey: Right, but there are other aspects that lie within a spectrum. Just because you’re trans doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy penis-penis sex, or whatever you want to call it. I know that some people are uncomfortable with that idea, but it is still an acceptable aspect of life as a trans individual.

At the end of the day, the only people that really need to know about your sex life are you and your significant other. I don’t think you owe anyone else the explanation of your sex life.

Since Ditching Hormones

Casey: I was on HRT for a short 11 months and it’s been 2.5 almost 3 years off. I definitely felt the testosterone levels restore, it just took some time. Since being off HRT, I’ve noticed the way I think has changed, and coming back to the sex topic, it takes a lot more to get me to orgasm. It takes being visually, physically and emotionally stimulated which wasn’t the case before.

Maia: Casey, I have bad news for you – you are a woman. Hormones are a powerful thing. They do change your body, sometimes the changes are permanent and should not be taken lightly.

Casey: Anyone considering going on HRT better be fully educated before getting into something so serious.

Restrictions in the Bedroom

Maia: When you do have sex, do you have any limits or restrictions of don’t touch me here? And him as well?

Casey: No, it is healthy to want to explore, especially in the bedroom. We have an open-door policy on all that. We discuss what intrigues us and so far we’ve had no limitations to what we could explore. I think partners should be comfortable with sharing with one another. It’s healthy to create a safe, comfortable and enjoyable environment for everyone involved. Even if you try something and end up not liking it, at least you made the effort to try it, and if you’re with someone who cares for you, they will understand/respect your choice not to continue it.

Maia: It sounds like you are very lucky to find this somebody.

Casey: I am blessed on so many levels including in my relationship.

Maia: That gives me hope and I want it to give hope to all of you (yes you, the one reading this). Even for those of you who are pre-op and want the surgery and those that are non-op just like Casey.

Casey: He is always saying “I love you the way you are!” Having no pressure from my significant other on what ways I must transition allows me to really just enjoy being myself.

Maia: The most important thing is not to just transition and live our lives out as our authentic selves, but to find love in this life. Finding love is a type of validation in itself. Especially because a lot of us grow up feeling unlovable.

Casey: I am so grateful to have found that love in my life, as I am engaged. I have been engaged for just over a year.

Maia: What?!? I did not know that. Congratulations! This is your Fiance (not boyfriend) we are talking about.

Casey: Yes, we are getting married!

Maia: I think I can safely say there are a lot of trans women out there that are very jealous because you have found yourself a very special guy. I am one of those women, although I prefer dating women.

Closing Note

Maia: Ok Casey, we will leave it on the note of romance. Love is in the air. We did make another video where I talked about my Sexual Reassignment Surgery (SRS) and the complications over on Casey’s YouTube Channel check it out here.

Casey: It’s really great information, I even got clarity on stuff I didn’t know! If you found this content enjoyable or helpful go check out Melody Maia’s YouTube Channel and give her a subscribe.