Hi, my name is Dusty, I’m 28 years old, gay and genderqueer. I go by he/him, she/her, they/them, really any pronouns because it doesn’t matter to me.

Q: Were there any signs or feelings in your childhood?

When I was younger, I had a lot of signs that I might not be growing up as a cis person. I started actually wearing high heels and stuff like that jokingly in my mom’s closet at age two. It evolved into dresses and other things like that as I got older. My parents weren’t super happy about it so I didn’t get to play dress-up and express myself as I wanted to until I was a lot older.

Q: When did you start questioning your gender? Was there an age, place or event? 

I think the first time I started to really question my gender was at about 15 years old. That was the first time I’d ever really heard about someone being transgender. That’s kind of where I started my research, simply trying to figure out everything that I could. I had even gotten to a point where I actually came out to my parents and told them that I was pretty sure I was transgender without knowing completely. I hadn’t yet thought about everything unfortunately, but I knew I was different. I didn’t know how yet.

Q:  How did you learn what being Transgender was?

I learned what trans was, well, I don’t know if it was a good way. I was 15 and started to look at p**n online and I didn’t know what it was called, but I started to look at it from more of a medical standpoint. Ultimately trying to figure out more about who I was and where I fit into all of this.

Q: Tell me your favorite memories since coming out.

Some of my favorite memories since coming out as genderqueer and just really embracing it are the times when I get compliments from straight guys. As weird as that sounds, it’s just a weird affirmation for me when they come up to me and tell me that I’m beautiful. I feel accepted and it’s not just straight guys, but with straight guys, it feels a bit stronger, because they have more drawbacks against doing something like that. Which is just a result of how masculinity is portrayed in our society.

Q: Can you tell me about the first time you crossdressed in public?

The first time I ever crossdressed in public was Halloween, I think I was 13 years old. I put on this awful wig, eyeliner, and lipstick. My outfit was nothing crazy. A really long skirt, and just my regular day to day shoes. I went trick-or-treating looking like a 13-year-old hooker. I don’t know, but it was pretty bad. How people responded to it wasn’t bad. One of my close friends did not recognize me and told me I looked really pretty. Which was kinda cool. The overall experience wasn’t particularly good or bad – but I do remember being discouraged from doing it again.

Q: What is the first makeup item you remember wearing? 

Mascara was definitely the first thing I remember wearing and it’s probably because it’s gender-neutral. It just makes it look like your eyelashes are huge making it the easiest first thing to try.

When I was working at an adult boutique I had asked if I could wear makeup at work and was told that men weren’t allowed to wear makeup at work. But women were highly encouraged to. I would get around the rules by putting on a little bit of eyeshadow in a neutral color and mascara so my eyelashes were all long and pretty. Just a few subtle things that no one could really call me out for.

Q: Tell me about coming out.

My husband was the first person that I came out to as genderqueer. I don’t know if I have technically come out to anyone else. I’ve put it on my Instagram, but I’ve never really told anybody and I think a lot of people don’t know what it is, so I guess this is kind of my coming out.

Sometimes I feel like I need to let people know that there might be something about me that they don’t realize. That it’s not just me doing my makeup. How I identify and feel about my self-expression is much deeper than that. 

Q:  Did you ever struggle with your gender?

The first conversation that I had with anyone regarding my gender, was again, with my husband. It was kind of tricky to bring up, because I hadn’t considered a lot of things before we were married and I felt like I was being problematic. I didn’t want to just spring it upon him because that’s not necessarily what he signed up for when we got married. Contrary to my thoughts, he’s been an amazing, supportive partner and is a thousand times more accepting than I thought he would be.

Q:  How did you meet your partner?

I first met my husband online and we hit it off really well. After talking for a couple of weeks, he disappeared out of nowhere. He totally ghosted me! After a few months, I messaged him again and he said he lost my number. I honestly don’t know if that’s the truth, but either way, it’s obviously worked out in the end

Q: Does he still claim he lost your number?

Yeah, he does still say that, but I don’t know that I believe him, but that’s okay. I don’t have to believe it. We dated for about 3 months before he ran into the need for a place to live. I happened to live right down the street and had space. Also, I could use the discount on my rent. The plan was that this stay would be temporary, but we got along so well, he never left. 

We dated for about a year and a half before getting engaged. I proposed to him and a year and a half later we got married. We’ve been married now for two years! Our wedding anniversary was actually just last week. 

Q: Has there been an adjustment period for your friends?

I have had different responses from my friends about my makeup and clothing. Some have been very supportive and even love it. I haven’t had any extreme negative reactions. The biggest thing I’ve noticed is that people are more caring then I realized. I have people that come up and are just like “That’s wonderful news, is there anything I can do for you?” or “What do you need from me?” I’m lucky to have really supportive friends. 

When I came to the realization I was genderqueer, I went out and started buying a lot of makeup. Stuff that I could wear every day. I used to have a lot of makeup prior to this, but it was all costume makeup from when I was doing drag. I think drag was a way for me to ease myself into my gender identity. And work on my makeup skills, in the dark, so that helps. I didn’t end up doing drag all that long. I think it was only about a span of a year. I participated in four or five shows, including a pageant. I had no idea what I was getting myself into and that pageant didn’t go so well. I thought drag was the right space for me, but it wasn’t.

Q: Have there been any other milestones or goals in the process that have made you feel more confident and comfortable with yourself?

I think the biggest milestone was my coming out and having my husband’s acceptance. He was the only one that I was worried about because I am going to be with him for the rest of my life. I’ve told my family, they just need to get used to some things and I’m keeping that attitude with them. They’re a lot further along than they were initially. Seeing them try to be supportive has been wonderful.

When I first met my husband, I was wearing makeup, I actually had to come out to him, I felt that I needed to, as a drag queen. I was hanging out with a lot of masculine for masculine gays at the time and I didn’t feel comfortable being a drag queen as they kind of gave me a hard time about it. They felt that I was way too flamboyant to be attractive to other men, which has been hard for me to come to the realization that I really wasn’t doing it for them. Drag was something for me.

Q: At what step did you feel like you were truly being yourself? 

Honestly, I am still working on that. I feel like I have to hide myself a lot at work, so it’s really only on weekends when I’m going out to do stuff that I feel comfortable and like I can take on the day feeling glamorous and like myself.  

Q: Do you find any words offensive? 

Basically no words offend me. I am probably the hardest person to be offended. Unless someone is specifically trying to offend me by getting in my face and calling me names, then and only then, will I get offended.

Q: What kinds of struggles have you faced in public with your gender? 

I’ve gotten some weird looks, that’s probably the worst it has gotten. I am also careful about where I’m going. If I’m not fully confident of the area that I’m going to, then I won’t wear makeup that day or I’ll do things to avoid it. 

I have been jumped before, but it wasn’t due to me being feminine. One afternoon, being the oldest, I was taking my little brother, little sister, and two of her friends to the park. As soon as I got there literally a gang of kids came up to me and started asking me questions and pushing me around. I can’t really remember what they started saying but as I tried to walk away they tripped me and all started kicking me. One of them even tried to burn me with a cigarette. I came away from that with a sprained wrist and lots of bruises. I’m truly thankful that they didn’t touch any of the children.

Q: What’s next for you?

I think what’s next for me is to just keep moving forward and try to embrace myself even more.

Q: If you could tell your younger self one word of advice, what would it be?

If I had to tell my younger self anything, it would be you’re going to be beautiful. You don’t need to worry, things are going to be okay.

Q: What advice do you have for others going through similar experiences?

I think a large part of me finally coming out and being more open about being genderqueer is because of my husband, he’s the reason, I don’t know if I could have done it without him. I think I’d still be doing drag if it wasn’t for him. If you’re trying to work through self-exploration, surround yourself with amazing people. There’s nothing like having supportive people by your side.