I spent over a decade of my life unhappy. But what was I unhappy with? It started around second grade where my mind started to feel pressure from others and their opinions of me. With most new things, you typically don’t know how to react leading to overcompensating in either a good or bad way. Let’s just say what I did was the latter.

My family was never wealthy. My mother always did her best to ensure we never went without. Her parents (my grandparents), before each school year, would take us out to get a new pair of shoes and one or two pairs of Levis. Whenever my siblings and I were presented with hand-me-downs we jumped at the opportunity. So the majority of the clothing, that wound up in my childhood closet, had already seen the day of life. From faded graphic tees that had been stretched by the previous kid who tugged it on/off to completely torn off hemlines on pants at least four sizes to big. Starting me down the pass of self-image issue one.

Dressing to Impress No One (Including Myself)

It wasn’t until fourth grade when I was walking around campus thinking about my need to dress in an oversized hoodie and pants (never shorts). The weather didn’t cause a shift in this selection, I’ve lived my childhood in the middle of a desert where summer ranged from 90-120 degrees Fahrenheit. These items felt somewhat like a barrier between me and my peers. But the problem didn’t end there.

Personal Hygiene

My clothes weren’t the only thing being affected. My personal hygiene hit rock bottom. I truly never felt the desire to wash my hair or my body as a whole. Showering happened only when I was forced to. My mom attempted to pull together chores that included this miserable activity but it failed to place any necessity on the task. Along with not showering were all other activities closely related: brush my teeth, washing my face and god forbid shaving (when that came into play). 

It wasn’t all Visible

The hardest part of sharing all this has to be how it put a toll on me, emotionally. Past the clothing and the hair, laid this desire to have at the very least a sliver of self-love but it just wasn’t there. Somewhere in the mix of sixth to eighth grade, I found myself sitting in front of a mirror watching myself cry. Not just a few times. The emotions built upon themselves as I saw my face grow red and puffy. Unhappy with where I was in life and unsure of how to fix it.

Societal Indicators of Masculinity

A huge trigger has always been the “typical” markers of Male. Whether that be my Adam’s apple, brow bone, stick-shaped body or my hairline. So many aspects of the body are associated with male anatomy. For years my biggest insecurity was my face profile. I’d be lying to you if I said it never bothered me but after living full time I believe my confidence in how I carry & present myself has improved tremendously. 

Part of being who I am includes the slight imperfections. Just because its quote-on-quote associated as male, doesn’t mean I have to run out to get surgeries to be a woman. Hormones, surgery, & gender markers don’t make a woman. Being trans is all about embracing who you are, even when that gets hard. Does that mean you can’t get surgery or start HRT? Absolutely not! Each and every one of us has the ability to select what life changes are needed to make us feel fulfilled in our journeys.

Final Advice

I guess through all of this, the message I would like to leave with you all is, gender dysphoria can get messy. But know that what one trans girl does, doesn’t define the guidelines you must follow. This world is not a one size fits all. Give yourself the time to discover who you are before going under any knife. You deserve to be happy and to never regret a decision you’ve made. Continue to push towards whatever creates happiness in your life. If you’re on the fence of transitioning, all I ask is you manifest the life you desire for yourself and watch your new life unfold in front of you.