Meet Kendra Tonan-Lizzarago, 43 at the date of filming. She uses female pronouns (she/her) and is Pansexual. I meet Kendra through a shared voice coach! We were both asked to sit on a panel for a local high school voice training seminar with a group of choir teachers. I also had the pleasure of joining her for a trans-prom hosted by her amazing group, Trans Spectrum of Arizona. It’s truly a pleasure to know this woman and I can’t wait to see where she goes with all the drive she has.

Were there any signs or feelings from young childhood?

Diffidently, I repressed them a lot and played football to repress them. When I was young there was no internet so coming up with a name for it was impossible. But once the internet was available to me, I found others like me.

When did you start questioning your gender?

I noticed in my early teens when I started interacting with more boys. I just didn’t understand the conversations that were taking place. My Gi Joes played family not war.

How did you learn what being transgender was?

When the internet came around in my early 20’s. I tried looking for books in my High Schools library but there was nothing. Going on the internet and just searching helped me figure out what was going on.

What’s your favorite memory since coming out as transgender?

They change all the time. Normally it’s whatever project I’m actively working on. I’d probably say that my favorite memory was the first prom my association had. Experiencing promo as a transgender woman was pretty freakin’ awesome. Second to my wedding. My wife and I renewed our vows in September so that’s the highlight of my life at this point.

Tell me about the first time you ever cross-dressed.

I did undergarments prior to transitioning, prior to that, I never cross-dressed. When I came out I swung the doors wide open and just ran out. There wasn’t a time prior to coming out where I wore feminine clothing.

How was coming out?

In my head, it was going to be the scariest thing ever, but when actually happened was no one paid attention and they all went on with there lives. As long as your confidence in yourself, I didn’t really have any problems with people socially. I mean occasionally I’ve had some issues but what I had built up in my head was much worse than what actually happened.  

What’s the first makeup item you remember wearing?

Foundation and then shortly thereafter discovering eye shadow.

Tell me about coming out. Who did you tell first and what was there response? 

I gave myself a year, I was going to be the best man I could be and at the end of the year, he was going away. I got to the point where I decided I was going to transition. I woke my wife at 4:30 in the morning when she normally goes to work (it happened to be a Saturday). We talked for 5 hours and by the end of the conversation we had bagged up all my old clothes and went to Goodwill and bought anything we thought was in my size. I’ve been out since then.

She’s my second wife. I was supposed to have my kids for thanksgiving, the year after my ex-wife and I separated and my ex decided she was going to take the kids to her boyfriend’s house for thanksgiving. At the time I live with a roommate and he invited me to his thanksgiving festivities. I returned with but you’re doing a family dinner. In which he replied, you are family. Come. So I went, met his cousin for the first time and he ditched me with her. He set me up with her. That weekend we hung out and ultimately decided to do the whole long-distance thing for a few months. It finally got to the point where I asked myself, why am I staying in California unhappy when I could be in Arizona happy with her?

We got married because I needed insurance. I was having stomach problems and she said, you know if we get married you get on my insurance that day. So we rushed and had a quick wedding and later that day I was in the doctor’s office getting scoped. So the running joke for our marriage is, I married you for the insurance.

What was the first conversation you had with anyone regarding your gender?

So I did have some conversations throughout the years with my wife dropping hints like what do you think of this or that kind of thing. I thought it was a lot more obvious than the people around me did. I surprised a lot of people coming out.

What happened when you came out to your parents?

My father passed away, but my mom and her new husband live in California. After I told my kids, I called my mom and it didn’t go well. We didn’t have a good relationship prior to transitioning so this was the icing on the cake. So we haven’t spoken now for 4.5 years.

How have your friends/family been with things like pronouns?

Really good actually. My wife when I came out actually called everybody she, just so she wouldn’t mess mine up. Other people in my life have been really supportive of it.

What was your first step into transition?

Deciding to transition. The idea of transitioning actually came from World of Warcraft. I was an avid WOW player and the Pandaria expansion came out and I couldn’t connect to the role-play of the big burly guy. Even though he looked exactly like me. So I stepped away from the game for a few months and when I came back I decided to delete the character and start over with a female avatar. Which made me want to play, so I maned her throughout the entire expansion. That was kind of my wakeup. That this is what I need and why was I pretending to be someone I’m not?

What other steps have you done and are proud of in your transition?

My wife and I renewed our vows for our 15-year anniversary last year. I got to design my wedding gown and my flower arrangements and all that kind of stuff. That was awesome. 

Getting to change my legal name and gender markers. Getting that little piece of paper with that validation is a huge milestone.

Did it notably affect your dating/sex life?

I’ve been on hormones for a few years. For the first few years, my sex drive went completely away. Ultimately, I’ve never really been into sex. It’s always been about pleasing her. It took a few years, but now we have a very healthy sex life. It took experimentation and figuring out what worked with one each other.

At what step do you feel you were being authentically yourself?

Probably a month and a half into transition. When I started seeing myself in the mirror. It was a lot of faking it till you make it attitude towards the beginning. Seeing my mom in the mirror when I first started doing my makeup was indescribably horrible. But she was the only person I identified putting on makeup so my first makeup techniques were ones I used from watching her as a kid. We also have similar facial structures (being blood and all) so that combined with the bad relationship we have didn’t work really well for me for a while.

Do you find any words offensive? 

Just blatant derogatory terms. Not anyone in particular sticks out at this point. Blatant miss gendering also bothers me. If I correct you and explained why I identify as such and you continue to miss gender me that is a problem for me. 

As the president of a transgender organization, I’m around a lot of people who are gender non-conforming that have varying terms. One of my friends goes by it pronouns, and that was really hard for me. As a transwoman, being called it by a person is devastating. But they’re doing it as a way to reclaim power and control of the term. So I can appreciate it for that and the stigma went away for me.

What kind of struggles have you faced in public?

I’m a rather large person so being preserved as female is an issue. Since my breast augmentation, it’s been easier to be identified as female. I working at a plus size women clothing store for a while and I had a very right-winged Christain woman (customer) who wouldn’t accept as who I am and made a point of telling me this multiple times. She wanted my help getting into the bra and clothing she wanted. But made sure to tell me I’m a guy and that was going to be said again and again throughout our conversation.

Have you been a victim of a hate crime?

No, only minor incidences like the one above. I’ve been very lucky to haven’t had anything physical happen only verbal.

What’s next for you?

I’m going to school to be an esthetician and a laser technician. Ultimately the goal is to open up a trans-affirming beauty care place for people early in transition. I know it was a hard time for me so giving any trans person the ability to teach them that at a discounted rate. It is my dream goal.

I’m the current president of Trans Spectrum of Arizona so we do outreach and work all the time so I’m always working on that.

I’m starting to do drag. As a transgender woman your a fem-queen instead of a drag queen. I’m doing this as an outlet for myself. It allows me to turn myself up to an eleven. 

If you were given the opportunity to tell your younger self one word of advice what would it be?

I feel a lot of people wish they could have transitioned earlier but for me, If I transitioned earlier I wouldn’t have my kids and maybe wouldn’t have the wife I have. So I believe I transitioned when I needed to. I think I would tell my younger self to just stick through it and not beat myself up over it. I did a lot of self-harm I let myself get up to 500 pounds because I didn’t care. I just wished I could have lived a little more when I was younger.

What’s one message you’d give to the little boys and girls going through similar situations?

It can get better. Don’t make a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Find someone who can support you whether its a teacher or a family member or a friend because it can make your life better.