Pronouns and Names

If you don’t know what someone’s preferred pronouns are, feel free to ask, it’s okay to ask. Call them by their chosen name! Most transgender people do not like it when you mention their dead name. A “dead name” is a previously used name that is no longer relevant to their life. When you’re telling stories about someone’s past make sure to use their current pronouns and their current name. Remember when you’re talking to a transgender person, such as a transgender woman, make sure you’re using appropriate terminology such as ma’am or miss (for transmasculine people, sir, and Mister). If you’re not sure about someone’s gender or you’re not comfortable using the gender in which they prefer, just try to avoid gendered language as a whole. We all know mistakes happen so if you end up doing something wrong, like using the wrong pronoun or the wrong name or some sort of gendered language, just make sure you apologize immediately and correct yourself. Always correct yourself, it always helps to make sure that you’re using the correct pronoun. If you didn’t get a chance to apologize immediately, make sure you go out of your way to apologize in private. If it happens in front of a bunch of people, you don’t want to point out something more than it already has been.

Don’t Out Them!

You should not out a transgender person to other people, ever. It is their life, it is their story and it should be something they get to tell people. Some transgender people might still be in the closet. For example, someone back at home might not know about their transition and may still refer to them with their dead name. They may even be in the closet in a sense where they have not told their coworkers or other current acquaintances meaning they may think that they’re cis-gendered as opposed to transgendered.

Asking the Right Questions

This is a big one. Think twice before you stay or ask anything. While you may just be curious, sometimes asking questions can be a little invasive. Especially when it comes to sexual orientation, their body, and various amounts of transition questions. If your friend wants to discuss something about their transition, they will bring it up. Then when they’re talking about subjects, such as sexual orientation, feel free to ask questions relating to that because obviously, they’re willing to talk about it with you. Also, when talking to a transgender person, make sure you avoid queries regarding their bodies and past, because transgender people, as a general statement, have gender dysphoria and when you refer to their previous selves it tends to cause a little bit of internal pain because they don’t like to think of themselves in that way. 

Don’t Evaluate Appearance

You should always avoid evaluating one’s gender presentation. Although you may think you are being helpful or encouraging, it can tend to seem a little harsh or critical of you. You should always trust that one will be able to express their own gender in their own way and that they are doing that. If they need help, they will ask. Leading off of gender presentation, you should never refer to how “passable” someone is. If you do so, you’re implying that there is something wrong with being transgender. You should never give out unsolicited advice regarding someone’s being passable.

Being Trans is Not Brave

Don’t call someone brave just for being themselves. Now if they’ve done acts of bravery like not starting transition, not not going through a transition, but they’ve done acts that caused them to need to be brave, that’s a different story. But you should not say you’re brave for being transgender. 

Transgender People are People

Lastly, just treat like a person. Although gender might be a big part of one’s identity, it does not play an important part in your relationship with them. Instead, make sure you’re asking questions about their interest in other hobbies and just find common grounds and talk about those. If your friend or family member that is transgender wants to discuss something about their transition, they’ll bring it up and discuss it with you.