Today I wanted to make a very personal announcement. One where I come out as transgender. I would like to start off by giving you the definition. The definition of transgender is: of relating to or being a person who identifies with or expresses a gender identity that differs from the one which corresponds to the person’s assigned sex at birth. I feel more comfortable in my own skin in being recognized as she and not he. 

When did you know?

“When did I know?” is a really hard question for me to personally answer because I have always had the feeling of something missing and not being there. An emptiness almost on the inside where something just didn’t make sense. For the past four years now I have been wearing makeup and putting on nails and putting hair in and other stuff. All of this is not for show. I don’t do it to go and perform for someone. I do it because it makes me happy. I found something that makes me comfortable and excited and happy to share myself with the world. This lets me feel comfortable in my own skin. Along lines of “when did I know?” it’s always been there it’s just I didn’t know what it was. When I made the realization of me wanting to start this transition was the summer of last year, 2015. I realized I couldn’t go back to school dressed like a boy. I felt I was lying to myself and the world. I told my parents that I was sick of it. I couldn’t do it anymore. I didn’t feel comfortable going back to school looking and dressing slummy, you know, the way it was in my own eyes. I wasn’t dressing the way I wanted to look. I told my dad and then I told my mom and I told my dad’s girlfriend’s and of course a few friends, my aunt and cousins, those close people to me. They all took it reasonably well and I wanted to start and this school year I want to transition towards all female clothing. 

Now I’d like to share with you guys an entry from my journal, it’s actually the first entry in this journal that I’ve made since I started this whole transition and started seeing my therapist.

Over summer I found myself craving new clothing but not just any clothes… girl clothes. I did not want to go to school for another year presenting as a boy who wears makeup and has long hair. I wanted to be in girl clothes with my nails done. After talking to my father I found myself spending money on new clothes. The joy I felt while trying on all these pieces was indescribable. My next Approach at shopping for myself led me to walk into a store called White House Black Market. Getting myself jeans, shirts, and a bit of jewelry. Now, this trip took 4 hours. This store was a dream, pure perfection in every way. 

Now talking about pronouns. Pronouns have been hard for me, but not because of people using the right or wrong one. The truth is I have been uncomfortable even picking which one I wanted to identify as. People didn’t know what to call me. So, those who didn’t know me prefer to use female pronouns. While family and friends still stuck with male pronouns. 

The weird part is that it did not make me uncomfortable. A lot of people that are transgender will say when they get recognized as being female it makes them happy, to me it felt normal, but it’s been happening for so long. 

I do not feel like I was worthy of asking those around me to start identifying me as being female until I started making actions towards being who I wanted to be. I know that it’s a big change for people to change my pronouns and that it is something I should not expect to happen overnight, but at the same time I do not feel the need to hold back any more. By letting those around me know that I want to identify as being female, especially friends and family. I have finally decided to start seeing a gender therapist in search for some answers. I want to start hormones and I want to be perfect in my own eyes. I want to get it done quickly, but by making it there in steps.

Currently, I’ve been going to laser hair removal, therapy, endocrinologist appointments, voice lessons, blood work, and normal doctor appointments. 

My mind has brought me back to the thought of my wedding day all too often. I envision myself in a white dress with a sweetheart neckline and Louboutins on my feet. I see a pretty silver necklace playing at the top of my breast and a single bracelet on my wrist. What I see is not male. What I see is a beautiful woman. She is in all my own ways a vision of perfection. The desire to become this woman has slowly started to overwhelm me. I know I can become her. From the looks of my current events in my life, I have full faith in myself. I know I can make this all happen. I am strong. I am motivated. and I am dedicated. 

I am going to end it on that note. I just wanted to share a brief preview of what my life has in store for me. I hope that a lot of you will come to my channel and watch my videos including the ones talking about my experience of going through my transition because I want to share it with you guys. My intention of having a YouTube channel and public platform is to help those who want to understand or need more comfort in their own skin. I just want to be there for someone. I feel like there’s a lot that I can learn and that I can share it all with you guys to hopefully learn from.